Oh Baby, I feel things...

This is not a cry for help.  (Don't worry, Mom!)  It's more of an observation. This blog is best when I'm completely honest....

In about 4 weeks two tiny people will be joining our household for the next ~18 years, and that is starting to scare the shit out of me.  Normal?

Our DINK life is over, forever.  We've had such a spectacular life.

If anyone is monitoring my standing, I'm officially in the freak out mode.  But, I didn't need to state the obvious.

I hope I don't fail on most levels of fatherhood.

I hope I figure out fatherhood, because right now when I think about fatherhood it's on the same level as when I think about taking a road trip with Oprah.  I can imagine how fun it's going to be, but it doesn't seem like it's really ever going to happen.  Except it IS happening.

I hope I don't forget to feed one of the babies - one time I was really busy with work and I forgot to feed Trigger, our non-human son.  It happened.  We should talk about it.  I'm sorry Trigger.  It's only happened once.  So far.

I hope I don't forget to feed the non human babies.  Trigger, Dooley, and Matt Damon we need to work together.

I hope I can still have a career.  I have more accomplishments to achieve.  Do primary caregivers with babies still achieve things?

I hope I don't become one of those extreme child focused parents that forgets about their marriage.  I see that a lot.  I think it happens slowly.  I still want my husband to look at me like I'm the most beautiful person in the world even though I am not.  I still want my favorite moments in life to revolve around my husband.

I hope so many things right now as I sit on the edge of fatherhood.  Fatherhood.

I'm certain I will find the courage, as all fathers do; but, right now my eyes are wide open, my mind is dazed, and I'm not on any drugs.  What's wrong with me?  Fatherhood?

It's happening.

I'm going to have a son and a daughter.  I am going to be a father!  A father.   For. The. Rest. Of. My. Life.

Should I count to three and jump?  F this. just jump-

Six Weeks Until Babies

It's official.  If the babies haven't arrived before this date, then Monday, March 21 is the date our surrogate, Morgan, will be induced.  It's THE birthday!  That will put the twins at 37 weeks and 2 days.  The journey to fatherhood has been full of surprises, but I would be surprised if they arrive before Monday, March 21; Morgan's body is happy pregnant.  On Friday our son was at 4 lbs. 4 oz. and our daughter was at 3 lbs. 15 oz., which puts my son's and daughter's weight ahead of most singleton pregnancies at this same stage.  Morgan knows how to nurture and grow babies.  It's wonderful.

On Saturday my parents came down to our house for a visit before they returned to their New Mexico house.  As they were departing I realized that the next time I will see my parents we will have babies in our arms.  It was an exciting and strange feeling.

So after years of saving, years of planning, and a year of working with an agency fatherhood is finally within reach.  Six weeks.  Or less.  Fatherhood is upon us.

Nursery Update

On Monday, my husband and I toured the hospital where the twins will be born, which was thrilling; however, we got a little bit emotional (unexpectedly so) when we walked through the NICU and saw the littlest babies.  Fatherhood has me leading more with emotion than logic nowadays.  I can't help it.  I'm certain I will need to focus to ensure I'm not an obsessive enthusiast on the day of their birth.

During the hospital tour, the most amazing nurse explained we would get our own hospital room separate from our surrogate's where we could keep the babies with us.   Or, she said, we could send the babies to the nursery and the nurses would care for them.   I immediately said my babies will be with me at all times!  My husband made fun of me for jumping in.

As noted previously, I'm going to need to focus to ensure I'm not a maniac.

To prepare for the babies arrival we have been pulling together items for the nursery.

The cribs and chest of drawers are from Dwell Studio.  The mattresses, glider and ottoman are from The Land of Nod.  The rugs are from Anthropologie.   The photograph is a print of Slim Aaron's Poolside Gossip, which was purchased from Surface View.  The rocking horse is from Restoration Hardware.

I kept the plantation shutters in the room, because the only curtains I really wanted cost more than my first car, and I wasn't sure if curtains should be in our nursery since we have the cribs against the window wall.

I finally got around to framing the original art work we purchases from Etsy; we hung it high since this will be the changing table.   One of their first lessons our children will learn about art: we look with our eyes not our hands.

I think the nursery is coming together nicely.  We still have items to add, like bedding, but that will arrive over time.

First Contact

Today, for the first time, at 23 weeks and two days I made contact with my daughter.  I held my hand against Morgan's (our surrogate's) tummy and I felt the tiniest little kick from our 1.5 pound daughter who lives on Morgan's left side!  Our daughter enjoys motion; she flips and kicks often.  Our 1.6 pound son who lives on Morgan's right side is more calm and enjoys his slumber, but Morgan said when he wants to move - he moves with intent.

Morgan informed me that we are in trouble, because the babies wake up around 2:00 AM or 3:00 AM each night.  She thinks they get hungry.  I told her she has 13 to 15 more weeks to get them in line.  I often have to tell our 6 month old Frenchie, Matt Damon, that night time is for sleeping.  Maybe she needs to tell our son and daughter that night time is for sleeping.

I asked Morgan if she was anxious about carrying twins.  She said no.  She said she would be anxious if she was bring two babies home in a few weeks.

Wait.

We're bringing two babies home in a few weeks!

Dolls Dolls Dolls

Yes, this is a real picture from my youth.  My uncle Chuck deserves the photo credit from documenting this amazing moment.

Now that I'm having a daughter, I wished I would had saved my dolls and stuffed animals, but I think I got rid of them once I realized all other boys I knew did not play with dolls.  In addition to a juice box, I'm holding my boy and girl twin newborn babies (foreshadowing?) but my favorite doll is the big one I'm holding on my right.  It was designed and weighted to feel like a real baby.

A real baby is something I will have in my hands in a few months.  Actually, I will have two real babies...good thing I spent the first seven years of my life practicing.

Surprises Still Occur

To increase the chances of getting pregnant we performed preimplantation genetic diagnosis on our 5 day old embryos.  The main goal of this test is to identify any abnormal embryos, which would not be implanted into our surrogate.  If we implanted abnormal embryos, then nature would most likely not allow us to stay pregnant.   We wanted to get pregnant and stay pregnant; as such, we implanted two genetically normal embryos.   Another data point that arrives with the DNA testing is the gender of the embryos; we were able to select the gender of the embryos we implanted.

Through this whole process, my strong opinion has been I didn't care if we implanted boys or girls I just wanted us to implant the same gender.  As you know, we implanted two boys in July.

On Friday, during the 20 week epic anatomy sonogram where 100% of the babies are measured and analyzed we discovered we had one healthy baby boy and one healthy baby GIRL.

I was in shock.  I kept asking the tech to recheck.  I kept saying things like, could it (the boy part) be there and you not be able to see it?  I couldn't believe it.  For 20 weeks I've been the father of two baby boys. When the doctor arrived he zoomed in on a certain part and said: this is not a boy.  Oh.

The very same day we went to the OB-Gyn doctor appointment and we asked the second doctor to perform another sonogram.  She did and she said, again, this is a boy and this is a girl.  Oh.

If god exist, then maybe she's reminding us we're not in control?  I called my husband to inform him of the news, and he laughed with loads of joy.  I enjoyed hearing his excitement.  I was still in shock.  I wanted to find a third doctor to check.

Phone calls were made to our fertility doctor and he reminded us that the sex gene is the faintest gene on the test.  The determined gender is only 98% accurate.  Cells from the actual embryo are not biopsied, it's cells from the sack (whatever the embryo hatches from) and since we're not testing embryo cells the gender can be misdiagnosed.  This means our girl is in the top 2%.  She's going to rule the world - as all girls should.

On the drive home I felt guilty for feeling a sense of loss.  We had two boy names picked out.  I had already envisioned our family of two dads, two sons, two French bulldogs and one spectacular hound.  My plan was to have two sons, and then go back in a few years and get two daughters.  I had a plan.  This was not in my plan.  I avoid surprises in life.  I plan.

My husband said it best: We (he really meant me) have to learn to release our agendas.

My brother's wife, the mother of our nieces, helps me process my emotions related to fatherhood, said that as a parent I will never be in control, and this is just preparing us for that fact.

Last night at dinner my maternal aunt, and mother of three, said something similar: you don't have control as a parent.

So I needed 36 hours to pivot my thinking.  If someday in the future my baby girl reads this silliness, then I want her to know it's a joyous blessing.  I'm just needed a moment to reset my plan, and I'm insecure about my ability to raise a successful girl, since women can be very mysterious to me still.  I've got time to figure it out.  To plan.

I'm going to have a son and a daughter!  How lucky is that?  And the adventure continues!

Heirloom

This past weekend I was in a home with a framed tablecloth hanging on the wall as a large scale art installation in the dinning room.   The tablecloth was hand made in the 1700's by the homeowners humptenth great grandmother and passed down through the family since that time.  It was a special piece.  I enjoyed seeing the names and birth dates of the women who had cared for the item during their lifetime and then passed it along afterwards.

Seeing this epic heirloom made me think about my baby bed, which is currently sitting in my garage waiting to go back to my parents' storage building where it has rested for decades.  While my mother was pregnant with my brother her grandfather purchased the baby bed for my mother to use on his first greatgrandson.  My mother's grandfather died a few months before my brother was born.  But the baby bed is where my brother slept, I slept, and then I think it was loaned to our cousins for a few years too.

I intended to use the baby bed for my children, which is how it ended up in my house.  However, upon closer analysis - it was designed with the latest technology from 1978: a drop side crib -  I think we're going to pass on using the crib for our children.  Yes, I know my parents successfully reared two sons to adulthood and started them off in this baby bed, but my husband called it an antique death trap.

Since we're having twins my parents purchased one crib and dresser and my husband's parents purchased one crib and dresser for the nursery.  I realized the family heirloom isn't a piece of furniture, but rather it's a habit of providing the baby bed for the next generation.  I think that's equally as special.

The Twins' Room

As we have safely arrived on the other side of 14 weeks, with the twins expected to enter this world between 36 and 38 weeks (mid to late March 2016) it is time to get serious about the nursery.

As I stated in this post, my inspiration is the above photo; I saw it years ago and knew when I got the chance to decorate a nursery I would pick something interesting, whimsical, and not cartoon-ish.  I'm still leading with the ideal if our sons are surrounded by a beautiful environment, then they will act in a beautiful way.

The art is hung on the walls.

The cribs and changing table are ordered from Dwell Studio.

 I'm often asked: what's your nursery theme?  I state simply: Midcentury modern!  No one seems to understand, but I will post pictures when it all comes together.

Twin Photo

Via my Instagram

Six Weeks Two Days

Today we're at six weeks and two days.  Morgan, our gestational surrogate, is reporting that she's "sea sick" most of the day, tired in the afternoons, and craving steaks and pickles.  I am sorry Morgan is feeling nauseated, since I don't want her to experience discomfort; however, the changes in her body are keeping the pregnancy real.  As in, this is really happening!  It's reassuring to hear stories of her pregnancy woes, since it means our boy(s) are growing.

On Friday, the day before seven weeks, we will have our first sonogram to determine if one or both of the embryos are growing inside her sacred womb.  I'm both excited and nervous.

I'm nervous enough that I have to ask myself: Is it possible that something physically changing in me too?  Ever since our doctor transferred two embryos into Morgan I've become hyperaware of stories of miscarriages, stillbirths, and wombs going empty.   I've become my late grandmother Peaches: worry, worry, worry!  On Saturday night I kept having a dream that our doctor couldn't find anything in Morgan's womb.  It was a ridiculous dream.

I was speaking to my father this weekend about my newly discovered craziness.

Me: I'm sure I'll stop worrying once we hit 20 weeks, right?  No wait...I'm sure I'll stop worrying once they arrive, right?

My father:  No, you'll worry about them the rest of your life.

Me: That's what everyone keeps telling me!

Baby Love

After confirmation of our pregnancy Cousin Sarah and her family sent us our first baby gift.  Hooray for milestones! In the card Cousin Sarah proclaimed she loves us both to pieces and she can't wait to love and adore our precious children.  What a lovely thought!  It's going to be fun to raise our children within our circle of family and friends.  Hopefully, Cousin Sarah's crew can help make our children more worldly since Cousin Sarah's crew split their time between Texas and Eastern Europe.

Another token of wisdom Cousin Sarah, mother of three, said to us: relax while you can!  Now that type of advice concerns me a little bit, because I'm starting to see a trend.  This is the most common type of advice parents give us once they learn we're expecting.  For example, our friend Adam, father of two, said we should enjoy sleeping for the next 8 months.  My husband's sister, mother of two, told us to enjoy our freedom while it last.

Apparently kids wreck your relaxing, sleeping, and freeing (?) schedule!  

I'm assured the journey of fatherhood and the havoc to my schedule is worthwhile by my BFF Del, father of two,  because he told us there is a type of love that only parents can experience/understand.   He said childless individuals will never understand the powerful type of love mothers and fathers have for their children.  He is joyful that my husband and I will understand that type of love in 2016!

Four Weeks

It's official.  We're 4 weeks and one day pregnant as of today.  My husband ended up with two boys and two girls, and I ended up with four boys and one girl; we transferred one of my husband's boys and one of my boys on Friday, July 24.  We are hoping for twins, but we won't know how many boys are in Morgan's belly until the end of August!

Our surrogate, Morgan, was texting us updates once we joyously found out we are officially (blood test verified; beta of 134) pregnant...

Me: I'm still a little scared to get too excited.  Is that normal?  I'm excited, but it's still so early.  Anything can happen.

Morgan: That sounds 100% normal.  Baby/babies and I will keep doing everything we need to do and other than that the rest isn't up to us.  Welcome to parenthood where worrying is your job.

Wait.  No one told me I would worry the rest of my life about my children.  Do you think our parents still worry about us?  Parenthood, here we come...

Life Begins

Does the power of positive thinking work?  Why not?  Everyone please focus on happy, healthy fertile thoughts.  We are transferring two embryos to our one incredible surrogate on Friday afternoon.  She has a nice fluffy uterus ready for embryos!

Here's the stats on  our embryos:

• 23 eggs were retrieved from our (generous, intelligent) anonymous egg donor
• After one day, 20 eggs fertilized (10 mine, 10 my husband's)
• On day 3, 16 embryos (8 mine, 8 my husband's) made it!
• Of the 16 total embryos our doctor expects ~ 8 to 10 to make it to day 5
• We will implant two embryos on Friday afternoon!

I continue to be excited, nervous, thrilled.  It's going to be a fun journey!

It's Time

Six months and six figures later I was clobbered with the sudden awareness today that we're a few days away from creating life!   After many months of trying not to think about July, in order to avoid the restlessness of anticipation, we are now living ten days into July.   The exact moment on the calendar I've been trying to avoid thinking about no longer can be avoided.  The question I have been asking myself this afternoon, can I ease into this moment without walls around my emotions?  Is it time to be giddy about baby making?  I'm scared.  I'm excited.  I'm nervous.  I'm impatient.  It's a complicated web of emotions covering my individual self at the moment.

I could hardly focus this afternoon after reading the email update from our agency coordinator;  the anonymous egg donor is flying to the clinic tomorrow.  Tomorrow.  The anonymous egg donor will be checked daily until our doctor finds the ideal time for him to perform the egg retrieval.   The moment the eggs are retrieved they will be fertilized.  Hopefully they'll all grow into healthy embryos that will be transferred into the loving womb of our surrogate as early as Tuesday, July 21.

That date, July 21, also happens to be the day in 1980 my 24 year old mother gave birth to her gayest son!  What a gift it will be to transfer embryos on my birthday or during my birthday week.

It's time.  This is starting to feel tangible.  And away we go!

Father's Day Is One Year Away?

Sunday was Father's Day, and all day I kept thinking: I really hope next year we're celebrating this day as two fathers.  After spending 34 Father's Day as a son and grandson honoring my dad and grandfathers, next year we might be able to celebrate our own fatherhood unfolding.  I hope.

I love you, thank you

We spent a lovely weekend hanging out at the lake with our surrogate and her husband and children.  It's fun getting to know her and her family before she carries our baby.  Our surrogate gave us these hilarious hand towels, which are now hanging out in our master bathroom, because she remembered the story we told in our profile:  Within the first week of meeting, my husband told me (for the first of an infinite number of times!) that he loved me. I replied with “thank you” – a moment that my husband still brings up. (Do you remember the time I told you ‘I love you’ and you said “thank you”?)

Our current timeline has our embryo transfers scheduled for the end of July, which means after six months it's all about to start happening! 

Quintuplets

Did you see the news about the April 8 birth of the first all female quintuplets born in the United States?

I sent our surrogate a link to the article.  Here.

I informed her that in July if we implant two embryos and one embryo splits into twins and the second embryo splits into triplets, then we too could have quintuplets!!!

She replied to my humor:

"My uterus is not a clown car."

Ha!

This is why we're such a good match.

Babies and Puppies

If we surround our children with beautiful things, then they will act in a beautiful way?

We're slowly transitioning a bedroom into a nursery for future baby(ies).  Technically, we're not buying nursery furnishings until we're pregnant, which if all goes well will be July 2015.  However, I was able to get my husband to green light this purchase; it's a large scale print on canvas of Slim Aarons' so very, very celebrated Poolside Gossip.  I want to live in this photograph of 1970 Palm Springs!

I was inspired years ago by this nursery, which was in Fort Worth, Texas.

I've been planning our nursery for years, yes.  I've also been planning to act on my husband's decade long rule: "no more dogs than people" in our household.  When we add more people I will be able to add more dogs!

This weekend we discovered Dooley's half brother Kliff...

 ...fathered this bunch of puppies:

And one little boy is (as of this moment) available for adoption.  Oh, wouldn't it be lovely to scoop him up in a few weeks and have him trained by the time our baby(ies) arrive in one year?  Clearly this is a logical approach?  It's called planning.

Although, my husband and I are still discussing the pros and cons of the situation.  It's not every day you get the chance to bring home one of Dooley's nephews, right?  Honestly, my husband has enforced the "no more dogs than people" rule in our marriage for almost a decade in hopes that once children arrived I'd forget about more puppies.  That's ridiculous.  My husband knows me; I am not practical.  My husband is extremely practical.

Now that my husband understands my position; we're in a bit of a puppy negotiation.

Fatherhood: The Beginning

For more timely play-by-play on our Glorious Gay Days: follow me.

To maintain expectations, the soonest we could be pregnant is July 2015.  We're still looking at about 13 months before baby(ies) is/are under our roof.  We have attorneys, contracts, egg donors, embryos and a surrogate to get ready before July.  Yesterday, my husband and I went and donated our part of the baby making equation.

It was incredibly awkward and a little bit funny.  We each were given our own "collection room".   They were cleaning my room - so my husband went in first.  A few minutes later they came to get me. There was a sink, a brown vinyl recliner (no way in hell I'm sitting in that chair), a small television, and a DVD player in my collection room.

While I was waiting on my room, I received a text from one of my straight buddy Ryan: "Good luck today.  Don't take too long in there, but don't be too fast either.  The important thing to remember is that the nurses are out there judging you."

I was giggling at the situation.

The "collection room" had a very clinical feeling, which is appropriate; however, to help me out they placed on the table two DVD's of men flexing their muscles and posing for the camera.   I read the backs of both DVD's but it wasn't that interesting.  Clearly a straight person picked out the DVD's catering to the homos in the collection room.  However, someone accidentally left a movie for a hetero male in the DVD player.  I was curious - I was still giggling on the inside, and my husband won't know I was watching a movie for straight guys - so I hit play.   The title was something like Young Babes II; it must be good if they made a sequel...

The situation could not get any more awkward, right?   I just handed over a urine sample to a very beautiful young nurse. Two nurses had just taken a lot of blood out of my right arm, which meant my right hand was cold.  A cold right hand was not helping me for the task at hand...let's just say I am not ambidextrous.  I think this would have been easier if my husband was in here too.

I was standing. (Because I was not sitting in the community chair in the collection room.)  My pants were down around my ankles. I punched the triangle on the DVD player.  I was still trying to warm up my right hand when the "movie" started.  Oh my.  The movie was insane; it was staring very large men and very skinny women.  I was in a trance.  I kept watching.  My hand was still cold.  Burr.  I could hear the nurses outside in the hallway.  I started thinking about Ryan's text: The important thing to remember is that the nurses are out there judging you.   I heard my husband in the hallway he was already finished.  Was I taking too long?  I tried to focus. Focus.  Focus. Focus.

All the sudden (surprise!) I needed the collection cup, but I wasn't close to the collection cup. The small room now seemed enormous.  I waddled over (my pants were down) and grabbed the cup just in time to get most (but not all) of the collection.

Fatherhood here we come.

The Box Gave It Away

Even though we have security cameras, my movement of this box from the front porch into the house went undetected by my husband.  Good.  I was trying to fly under the radar, because my husband wants me to wait until we're pregnant BEFORE I begin to decorate the nursery.  He's so logical.  That's no fun.

Decorating comes from passion.  It's not logical.  I saw a painting on Etsy. I thought it would look lovely in our nursery.  So I purchased it and timed the shipping to arrive while my husband was away on business.  Mwhahaha.

I did not think this through.  I hid the painting upstairs, but my husband found the box stacked for recycling in the garage.  Busted.  I was in the shower when my husband walked into the bathroom carrying the boxes and asking about their contents.  I took him upstairs...

 

To the alley: