Open Letter

Dear Baby Girl,

Do you happen to know why it looks like someone has been chewing on our wood trim?  Our house is getting inspected by the buyers on Wednesday, and I want to be able to communicate if we have a termite problem or a French bulldog problem....unless you know of another reason why this appeared?

Sincerely,

Me.

Open Letter

Dear Husband,

Can we live in this house?  Isn't that a picture perfect house?

Sincerely,

Me

(I usually don't find much that inspires me from the pages of Architectural Digest, it's usually too high toned, but I love the outside of this house.)

Open Letter

Dear Cole Haan,

I am not a fan of your new logo.

Sincerely,

Me.

Open Letter

Dear Mother Nature,

The weather these last two days in Dallas has been perfect; it's been cool and rainy.  It's a rare treat in July.

Thank you,

Me

Open Letter

Dear Trigger,

Please stop chewing holes in my underwear.

Sincerely,

Me.

Open Letter

Dear Day Light Savings Time,

Ain't nobody got time for that.  Please return the hour you've stolen.

Sincerely,

Me

Open Letter

Dear Sergeant Dunn (Badge # 185) Of The Southlake Texas Police,

1. You suck.
2. I would hardly call 45 MPH speeding.  I'm pretty sure I can snow ski faster than that, and I'm certain wildebeests can run faster than 45 MPH.  Why don't you go to the plains of Africa and hand out citations to the "speeding" wildebeests?
3. YOU suck.
4. You also suspiciously asked if my address was correct on my drivers licenses BEFORE you started writing my citation- is this how you treat all guests to your town?  Suburbia is so annoying.  What happened to: "Hey visitor, did you know we've created a 30 MPH speed trap on Carroll Boulevard even though every other street in this area is 45 MPH?  Please slow down, and have a nice day"?  Where's the friendly reminder Sergeant Dunn?!? You KNOW I don't live in your town!
5. You SUCK.
6. Why were you surprised when I didn't give you my phone number? You were writing me a ticket!  I don't want my phone number in your suburbia database.  What idiot gives a police officer their phone number while he's writing them a ticket? Next time, don't write me a ticket, and I might give you my phone number.  Might.  Finally, "To protect and serve" is not your police motto; the Southlake police motto is "to give our out of town guests $175 tickets for not driving 30 MPH in our our speed traps so we can pay for our fancy Tahoe police car."
7. YOU SUCK!  

Sincerely,

Me

Hell-to-the-NO

Dear President George W. Bush,

Sigh.  Again?  Really?  I know your Presidential library is in Dallas.  I live in Dallas.  But no self respecting homosexual would give you money.  Remember when you wanted to pass an anti-gay amendment to the United States Constitution?  I remember.  I will not forget how it made me feel when the President was anti-gay.  You cannot have any of my money, ever.  Stop sending me this junk mail.

Sincerely,

Me

$259M

I saw this in Newsweek: "$259M - Boost to New York City's economy from same-sex marriages since they were legalized one year ago."

Dear Texas,

If you want to legalize same-sex marriage for no other reason than to bank the increased tax base...I think I'm okay with that.

Sincerely,

Me

Open Letter

Dear Trigger Monkey,

Can you please tell me what happened to this bag of tortilla chips?  When I left the house I'm certain it was in the recycle bin, but when I returned home I found it murdered on the office floor.  Since you're the oldest, I think you should be able to tell me what happened?

Sincerely,

Me

Open Letter

Dear Little Lizards,

If I find you in our house I catch you and return you to the backyard.  However, if Dooley finds you in our house she catches you and kills you.  (I discovered Dooley hunting a little lizard in our bathroom.  She was like a cat.  She stayed crouched until the lizard started moving, and then she pounced on it.  I was proud of her.)

Little lizards our house is no longer a safe refuge from the heat.  Stay away.  A killer lives here.

Sincerely,

Me 

Open Letter

Dear Back Porch Plants,

I love you, but you must die.  I cannot sustain your existence.  I water you every evening, but you still wilt in the heat.  I've moved you to the shade, but you still wilt in the heat.  The hottest months are ahead of us, August and September, which means I think it's best to give up.  I should have purchased larger planters that could hold more moister, but unfortunately for you I didn't. Thanks for all the memories.

Sincerely,

Me

Open Letter

Dear Cambria Cove,

Please read my previous letter to Pottery Barn, because it applies to you too.  Why is it so difficult to predict demand?  These "Mayan Riviera Iced Tea Glasses" were on the cover of your June catalog.  Today's June 9 and they're all gone.

You can't tell by looking at these glasses that every blue person is going to want a set of at least eight?  Is it that difficult to spot a winner and plan stock accordingly?

Sincerely,

Me

Open Letter

Dear Pottery Barn,

Who's in charge of your supply chain? Do they know what they're doing?  Why are they keeping you so lean?

I don't like it when I see something sensational in your catalog like the recylced mojito glasses or the vintage glass buoys but when I go to your website it's listed as "no longer available."  Why put items in your catalog if you don't have enough stock for your customers?  (Oh, how I miss the never-ending inventories that existed before the great recession.)  

You, clearly, need a new system of predicting what's going to be in demand, because it seems like the stuff I want is "no longer available."

Sincerely,

Me

Open Letter

Dear Oprah,

You don't know me, but I know you and the vehicle that brings you into my home each day is ending.  This is it.  This is the final season of your show- the most influential television show in my life is ending in a few months.

I have to let you know that I do not approve of this second week of Oprah Winfrey Show repeats.  I need all new shows until the very end.  Finish strong, and I will miss you when you're gone.   

Sincerely,

Me

Open Letter

Dear George W. Bush Presidential Library at SMU,

Please stop sending us letters asking for our money. We get letters every other week it seems. I know my husband and I are DINKs (Double Income, No Kids) which makes us logical targets when you're asking for money, but I will not send any money to anything to do with George W. Bush. During his Presidency Dubya did nothing for gay rights, an issue which is important to me. In fact, President Bush championed a bill that would write discrimination into the US Constitution- he wanted to define marriage between one man and one woman in the Constitution.

My own self confidence prevents me from giving money to someone that has belittled my existence.

Sincerely,

Me

Open Letter: Death of a Camellia.

Dear Camellia Plants,

I am sorry. I thought I had the perfect shaded spot to plant a camellia, or two. I was looking forward to seeing your blooms in spring; however, I don't know if my vision of your rose-like blooms decorating the side of our house will materialize according to my original intent. You are burning in the afternoon sun. I incorrectly classified our small backyard with two mature trees as a shaded backyard; I now know the six hours of sun our backyard gets in the afternoon classifies it as a sunny backyard. My mistake is killing you, and I am sorry. Live and learn.

Sincerely,

Me

I'm too old for MTV

I spent this morning drinking coffee and yelling at the television. My husband kept asking why I was watching MTV's 16 and Pregnant's "Chelsea" episode. I don't know? I couldn't stop watching it. I just was flabbergasted at the lack of wisdom in Chelsea's life as she tried to hang on to the immature father of her baby. He was a child. He wasn't ready to be an adult.

Dear High School Girls of the World,

You do not need a man in your life. You are a young, independent, strong soon-to-be woman of the this world, and you do not need a man.

Sincerely,

Me

PS - Before you have sex make sure you watch the 1988 movie For Keeps.

Open Letter to our Checking Account

Dear Checking Account,

I apologize in advance for the pain we are causing you. The first quarter of 2010 is going to be hardest on you. Both our master card bill (bloated with Christmas purchases) and our tax bill are due in a few weeks. We are also painting the house and taking a ski trip to Colorado. I know, I know we're acting like rich people, but we're far from rich. (I'm just hoping my bonus has a comma in it this year!)

You will have to learn to make the most of your reduced state. (Keep calm and carry on.) I'm sure you'll miss all your dollar friends, but think of all the good our hard-earned dollars will do out in the world stimulating the economy...and...Think about how much we enjoyed giving Christmas presents, think about how beautiful our house will look in its new shades of paint; think about all the fun we'll have snow skiing, and think about how patriotic it feels to pay taxes to the state that does not recognize our marriage...Oh, well...at least we get to go snow skiing!

With the promise to return to saving dollars in Q2 2010,

Me

Dear Frito Lay

Dear Frito-Lay,

I do enjoy Santitas. They are great with salsa or queso or hummus or any other dip. I do not enjoy burnt Santitas. Next time, please do not put burnt Santitas in my bag.

Sincerely,

Me