Monday, February 2, 2015

Self Doubt

I wish I could see myself as others see me.  This past week at the firm's annual All Hands meeting my managing director presented me with an award.  Me?  Of all the people at the firm he said that I embodied the values our firm appreciates most.  He said the nicest things about me, and I wish it was recorded because once I realized he was talking about me - I went into shock mode.

I started thinking about all the other consultants he could be speaking about.  It couldn't possibly be me?

Although, it was me.  He called my name.  He awarded me.  The audience stood and applauded me.  Me?

I couldn't believe he was awarding me because I have a secret...

...sometimes I go home and wonder if I'm any good at my job.  It's a familiar thought in my week.  I go home and think I should start looking for a new job.  My job is demanding.  I fight battles every day.  I don't win all the battles.

This isn't a cry for help blog post.  I'm not a fragile person.  Truthfully, I wish I could see myself as others see me, because I think others see me better than I see myself.  I've never felt smart enough, talented enough, athletic enough, handsome enough to do most things.  At times I can still feel like the elementary version of myself, which was struggling to read, write, and spell...sometimes I feel like everyone else is on chapter 5 and I'm still reading the first paragraph.  It's a familiar feeling in my week.

I do the best I can do today, and I have hopes of being better tomorrow.

Perhaps I cannot appreciate my strengths because I'm focusing on my weaknesses?  I don't know.  What I do know is that winning the award makes me feel like I shouldn't doubt myself so much.


  1. I get it. I suffer from Impostor Syndrome. But you shouldn't, obviously. Remember the spontaneous standing ovations you would receive in UBC?

  2. Loved the latest blog post. I totally feel you and have the exact same thoughts in my job. Congrats on the award! Glad your employer is smart enough to recognize your contributions.

    Love you,

  3. You are so extremely special; I know no one with the combination of tremendous strengths that you have. You make everyone who knows you a better and happier person. You have an aura that I don't even know what to call but it is incredible. You are a gift to me every minute. I adore you. What did I do to be so blessed to be your and Stephen 's mom? I know that people are so fortunate to be in your orbit. I love you so much I can't give a word for it. But I am so grateful for you. You teach me things all the time.

  4. Patrick, I just read your blog. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! I would have said that in the comments section of your blog, but I have never figured out how to do that. And oh by the way....I do hope you find a way to allow yourself to realize that you are a superlative person in so many ways (just like the rest of your family!). Just don't let that knowledge change you. :)