Hello Again

My grandmother died in October of 2011- over a year has past.  My grandfather had not been to the dry cleaners since her death.  He went for the first time last week.  They still had some of her things- a few blouses, a couple of pairs of white pants.  My grandmother always loved white pants.  She thought they were cooler.  My grandmother did not like to be hot.

My grandfather, not really knowing what to do with those items, gave them to my mother.  I saw them hanging in my mother's closest.  I recognized my grandmother's clothes.  In some ways I feel like it's my grandmother saying hello from wherever you go when you die.

The memories of my grandmother dying of cancer have faded in my mind, thank goodness, and now I can more easily remember the healthy times of her life.  Her death makes me realize that life is short.  As a 32 year old man I feel like I'm running out of time.  The clock is ticking. I have yet to accomplish my goals.  I must seize the day!

I love you Peaches.

Old Habit

Yesterday I was at Target and I stopped by the card section to pick out Mother's Day cards.  I found a card for my mother, and then (out of habit) I started looking for a Mother's Day card for a grandmother.  I almost picked up a card when it hit me (it stung a bit) that I no longer have a living grandmother.  I then thought of my mom and how she no longer has a living mother.

And life goes on...

Hurts My Heart

My beloved grandmother lost her battle with cancer on Tuesday, October 18, 2011.  Her pain is gone, but mine remains. She was married to my grandfather two months shy of 62 years at the time of her death.  She taught 4th grade for 31 years before she retired in the mid-nineties.  She was an exceptional wife, mother (of three), grandmother (of five), and great-grandmother (of ten).

I thought I was prepared for her death, since she spent the last ten days of her life suffering in a hospital bed, but when she took her last breath of air I was overcome with sadness. She is gone for good.

I feel lucky that I had a grandmother for the first 31 years of my life, and I still have a grandfather!  My husband lost both sets of his grandparents by the time he was ten years old, and after our wedding he said he had grandparents again.  My grandmother loved and my grandfather loves my husband. Grandparents are good at loving.

A Terrible Situation

My grandmother's situation is terrible.  Her cancer-covered bones create a tremendous amount of pain.  Everyone connected to the situation is in some kind of pain (emotionally and/or physically).  And the only way this terrible situation- dying of painful cancer- will conclude is when my grandmother dies, which leads to another terrible situation- the death of a wife, mother, grandmother, friend. 

It saddens me to know that my grandmother's wonderful life is ending with her in an infant-like state; she's in pain and she's not self sufficient.  She relies on my grandfather, my aunt, my mother, my uncle, and nurses to take care of her every need.  At least her cancer has given us all a chance to remind her that she is loved, appreciated, and valued.

Epic Fail

On Sunday, my husband and I stopped by my grandparents' house with intentions of brightening up my grandmother's afternoon.  Delighting the grandparents is one thing a grandchild (and their spouse) can do at any age.  My grandmother is sick with cancer.  Her body is deteriorating, but her mind is still solid enough to carry on a conversation.  Towards the end of our visit my grandfather was showing my husband and my father his coin collection.  I was sitting next to my grandmother's wheelchair, I took her hand and felt her soft skin, and then I started crying.  I tried not to cry, but that made it worse.  My grandmother saw that I was crying and she got upset.  (So much for bring her happiness.)  I couldn't talk.  I couldn't stop crying.  All I could do was try to fight back tears as I listened to my grandmother ask me why I was crying... 

My grandmother was very worried. (I failed to bring delight.)  Eventually she asked if I was crying because of her health?  I shook my head up and down slightly as I smiled at her.  She told me not to worry.  She said she had the best team of doctors and she was going to fight to get better.  I sat next to her for a bit longer as she held my hand.  I eventually regained my ability to speak and I told her I loved her.  She told me that I had been sweet my whole life, and she wondered how her grandson got to be so sweet? We laughed.  We hugged.  I started running through my life with her...

Do you remember when I walked to your classroom after school?

Do you remember when you were my 4th grade English teacher?

Do you remember all those trips to the museums?

Do you remember Sunday lunches? Your dinner rolls?

Do you remember the cabin in the country? The tornado?

Do you remember, do you remember, do you remember...

By the end of our conversation, I hope, she had forgotten that I was the crying mess she was trying to comfort.   We ended my visit with "I love yous," and she wanted to know, specifically, when I'd be back to visit.  

"I love you more than you will ever know"

This is a photo of my grandmother and me playing Christmas songs on the piano together- this photo was taken maybe 20 years ago?  Today, my grandmother is dying of cancer.  The doctors have put us on notice; "if you want quality time with her you better come see her soon."  Hospice will start coming to her house.

I saw my grandmother a few days ago, when she could still walk, and when I was helping her walk to the restroom I told her that I loved her.  She stopped, and looked at me and said she loved me more than I would ever know.  I left her house and went back to my parents house and cried.

How do I communicate all my love and appreciation to my grandmother without being sad? 

Cancer Sucks

This is a picture of our "wall of mothers" in our house.  My husband's mother is on the left, my mother is on the lower right, and my grandmother is on the upper right.   In October of 2009 I blogged about my grandmother's cancer.  Cancer sucks.  Over the last ten days my 79 year old grandmother has lost her independence.  My grandparents are having help come to their house during the day.

A gloomy cloud is hanging over our family.  I'm trying to stay positive in hopes that my grandmother will bounce back- like she's done so many times before.  But if I look at all the facts, then this situation really, really sucks.